That is often my gut response.
Life is crazy. Retreat. I'm uncomfortable. Retreat. You are misunderstanding me. Retreat.
The funny thing is I never want to see my self as complaisant. The very word makes me shudder, yet if I am bombarded or overcome or stressed, I run. I seek shelter and close myself in. Ha. How ironic that I am often exactly what I do not want to be.
I was reading today from Oswald Chambers book "My Utmost for His Highest", he said, "we are not here to develop a spiritual life of our own, or to enjoy a quiet spiritual retreat. We are here to have the realization of Jesus Christ, for the purpose of building His body."
I've been in retreat.
Retreating from the very ministry that God has called me to all because it has gotten difficult. I am being stretched and pulled beyond what I think I am capable of. My natural response is, "I can't do this. This is not my gift, my strength. I am a bumbling fool, not me God, choose someone else." Kind of sounds like Moses, doesn't it?
But, God isn't letting me rest. He is continuing to show me areas that must be turned over to Him. He is showing me that I must surrender my perfectionism. I must abandon my self-preservation. I have to release my death grip on control.
And above all He is showing me that He has the perfect retreat for me, His arms.
It is time to stop running and ricocheting off of every hardship that comes, only to run at top speed in a different direction and repeat the rebounding process.
The retreat I am seeking will not be to disappear from the face of ministry or to take a spiritual hiatus. It is a retreat from myself. He is calling me to total abandon. He is calling me to a beautiful dance of intimacy. Intricate steps of love, peace, boldness and trust. In the depth of this holy relationship is assurance and in His arms I am being equipped to give what He is asking me to give.
Everything flows out of my level of intimacy with Jesus. All I need is to know Him. To be overcome by Him. Body, spirit, soul consumed with the One who knows me.