If you know me in real life there will be some information in this post that you probably did not know about me. It was my goal for so long to hide my past, because I did not want to be judged. However, God has been prodding me to share part of my story for a couple of months now. He does not want me to hide any longer, but instead He is asking me to share my history, so that it spreads HIS STORY, to all who may read this. May you see God in my words.
As a young girl, I accepted Jesus as my Savior, several times… because I was never quite sure that it took… and so began my self-appointed and enemy cajoled job as burden carrier.
By Junior High, satan, the perfect deceiver was deft at whispering his lies and I was pretty good at accepting them. I picked up wrong thinking and chose bad avenues. I was tumbling and didn’t know how to stop. My deepest desire was to have some close friends within the group of girls that I hung out with at my school, but I felt I like I didn’t, I felt like I was on the out skirts. It was a constant internal and external struggle within me, this quest to gain a friend. I worried what others thought of me and soon I was full of self-uncertainty. A huge drive developed within me to make myself into someone who I truly wasn’t. All I could focus on was myself. I was consumed by me. I fell for the enemy’s trap and believed the lie that I wasn’t pretty enough, funny enough, skinny enough, popular enough, no matter what it was I wasn’t enough for others to want to be my friend.
Before long, with my need to be noticed and accepted consuming me, I had rushed my 15-year old body into the arms of a more than willing 21-year old. My remaining teen years were spent picking up anger, guilt, self-indulgence, and self-hatred. I left my childhood love for Jesus in the dirt and ashes and lived for ME!
By my mid-twenties, I was so weighed down I could barely move. The intensity of it all had me just living day to day, moment by moment. I lived each day just trying to make it through. I would wake up anxious for the day to end. My joy, my life, was consumed by the lies, sins and hurts. I had agreed to carry. I was in survival mode. A mode God never intended me to be in. I was plodding, weighed down, weary.
Romans 8:12-16 says, “ So don’t you see that we don’t owe this old do-it-yourself life one red cent. There’s nothing in it for us, nothing at all. The best thing to do is give it a decent burial and get on with your new life. God’s Spirit beckons. There are things to do and places to go! This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It’s adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike “What’s next, Papa?” God’s Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children. And we know we are going to get what’s coming to us—an unbelievable inheritance!” (The Message).
WOW! For so long I lived weighed down by my old nature, my old broken down self, when Jesus had died to give me a new life. A life soaked with Him. A life full of His goodness. A life gloriously redeemed.
Thankfully God didn’t stop pursuing me. Through the years He continued to call me out of “myself”. He showed me that this isn’t a do-it-yourself life, it isn’t a survival life, it isn’t a life weighed down by deception and sin; as if literally wrapped tight in grave clothes, it isn’t a life weighed down by wrong thinking, it isn’t a life weighed down by soul wounds.
Life with Jesus is NEW LIFE! When I asked Jesus to be my Savior, I was to be done with my old self! It was all redeemed and replaced!
Sadly for so many years I did not live new. God was calling me to a thriving life in Him. He wanted me to grow vigorously, flourishing in my new life in Christ, but I was timid, a grave tender. I lived within my carefully crafted sphere of control. Fear consumed me and I let it dictate my every move. Any time life’s circumstances with its sharp edges, popped my self-made “safety” bubble, I fell apart.
I did not realize that when I gave my life to Christ that I had been set free. No longer did I need to hold on to fear, self-hatred, sin, wrong thinking, control, doubt, and guilt. I had been liberated. Set FREE!
Free to love Christ. Free to serve. Free to deepen my relationship with Him. Free to seek Him out above anything else. Free to experience the power of the Holy Spirit.
Five years ago He opened my eyes. I was living in survival mode, powerless, weighed down with life until I came to the end of myself- brought to my knees. He blew into my life like a gale force wind, stripping me clean
“Lord,” I cried out, “Save me, help me I don’t want these burdens any more. I can’t carry them. I don’t want this disintegrating life. Take my fear, doubt, guilt, sins, self-hatred, and pride. I give it all to You. Fill me Jesus! Fill the voids in my life created by my self-reliance. Pour out Your very Presence into my life, like healing oil, a soothing balm, filling my very soul with Your love, peace, New Life, and freedom. You Lord are Light and Majesty, King of kings and Lord of lords. You are El-shaddai, All Sufficient. You are Jehovah Raah- all that I need. You are Jehovah Rapha- my healer. I believe You. I believe Your truths are for me and that they are already mine. You are a promise keeper. I trust you, Lord. I trust You- You Jesus are more than enough!”
I look back at those days in my past and I am undone. I can see how He never let me go. I wasn’t walking on my own like I thought. Through all the battles, all the valleys, all the struggles, He was there right beside me, I was just too blinded to see Him. His love for me was and is overwhelming. It brings me to my knees.
I am UNDONE!