My mind is jumbled. Like a ball of yarn unraveled into a twisting, looping, unorganized pile.
There are big decisions looming.
I thought I had it all planned out— things were going smoothly. I had a plan. It seemed well within our grasp and I was in control.
College for Isaac seemed a sure thing, a God thing. I knew in my deepest parts of my soul that my oldest was headed to Bible college.
Then a single piece of paper stating Isaac’s financial responsibility for year one landed my lofty dreams on the flat plains below the peaks.
This. This seems un-doable, impossible. Unless I want him to have a ginormous debt for four years of schooling. His goal— to go to Bible college and major in missions. Question? How does a missionary pay off a $64,000+ debt?
My mind is literally swirling. There has to be an answer, a solution. My heart is breaking, crying out in unbelief and confusion. He wanted this so deeply.
Why must it cost so much to serve God?
I need miraculous wisdom, insight, provision. I need answers and direction.
Jumbled. Impatient. Confused. Hope crushed.
I was spiraling.
Then an amazing woman of God breathed Life into my clouded and tangled soul. Lovingly she showed me my unbelief.
…they brought him. When the spirit saw Jesus, it immediately threw the boy into a convulsion. He fell to the ground and rolled around, foaming at the mouth. 21 Jesus asked the boy’s father, “How long has he been like this?” “From childhood,” he answered. 22 “It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.” 23 “‘If you can’?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for one who believes.” 24 Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” Mark 9:20-24
….If you can do anything. If you can do anything… Lord, help my unbelief!
I’m a pretender, Lord. I say that I believe, but when life roars deafening, I cower. I retreat, surrendering all dreams and hopes and belief. I go limp. I want to believe! I want to KNOW, to experience, to believe in Your mind blowing power. For goodness sake You raise the dead to life! So, why do I doubt that You can supply every single penny that Isaac needs?
Why do I continually limit You? Why do I take my hope and dreams for myself and my children, shove them under a pillow and sit on them, not allowing them to see the light of day because I think they may be under opposition? Why do I insist on living a half life?
God, today I will operate in the opposite. I am letting all hopes and dreams rise to the surface. Like bubbles floating high reflecting, glorious, multi-colored LIGHT.
I do believe. I believe. I believe that You are a good God. I know Your goodness. I have seen Your goodness; experienced Your goodness. I believe that You have called Isaac to serve You in the mission field and that Your plans for Him are perfect. That You have called and will therefore provide. I will not limit You with my unbelief.
Lord, I believe!
I stand upon the truths of Your character.
I’m ready now, God. Unravel my limiting unbelief until it becomes an unshakeable, unbreachable, pinnacle of belief.
Unraveled to believe.