Once home I quickly took the test which came back negative. I didn't think it would upset me too much to see that I wasn't pregnant, but it did. I settled into a funk for the rest of the day. I guess I had talked myself into wanting to be pregnant (I always have found pregnancy an exciting time). I spent the rest of the day quiet sad over the revelation. However, around 8:30pm I got into the shower. Once there, in the peace and quiet, I started my nightly conversation with the Lord. This may seem a bit odd, but it is the only time when I am awake that I can be alone. So, I laid out my woes to God and just as quickly this verse popped into my head. "Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always." I Chronicles 16:11. I decided I needed to seek God's face and I asked that Him to make His will clear to me. My mind was suddenly filled with reasons why another baby would not be God's will for me right now.
- Getting up every 2 hours to nurse a newborn. I'm already tired.
- Changing endless diapers and outfits. More laundry? I already can't keep up
- Less time to give my precious children. There are days I feel really guilty about not giving each of them all that I feel they need.
- Lauren/Toddler- need I say more?
- I really want to put 100% into home schooling. That's hard to do with a baby.
Of course these are all negatives. But, I didn't want to dwell on the positives for too long or I would be back singing the blues again. Babies are precious. I have loved each and every moment with each of mine, but I think God was trying to show me that now is not the time for us to have an addition to our family. Maybe, down the road a bit, that will change. Only God knows for sure.
Today I think God was trying to prove his point because Lauren was at her toddler finest. She had a horrible morning, crying and clingy. So much so, that I thought she was getting sick. At lunch time I sat her in her high chair and she just bawled. I tried to entice her with some fruit, but nothing doing, she wasn't having any of it. I scooped her up and headed to her bedroom, where she continued to sob. Poor little one, she finally drifted off in my arms. No lunch for Lauren, just sleep.
She finally woke up at 3:00 in a much better, yet more destructive, mood. I sat with her and played, while Joel and I talked about his day. Then as I began preparing dinner the fun began. I was busily chopping up items for tacos, when I realized it was way to quiet. I moved through the house calling her name, no response and no sign of her anywhere. Finally, I heard I little noise coming from behind the drapes in the living room. There she was practicing her gardening skills on Isaac's potted ivy. Potting soil covered the window sill, the floor, her hands, and her impish, grinning face. I vacuumed it up and went back to making dinner. I once more glanced in her direction to make sure she was behaving. She was taking off her pants. Not unusual. Anytime there is any of her laundry laying around she changes her clothes. A few minutes later though, I caught her opening Caleb's school drawer ( a drawer in a plastic filing cabinet) and removing a purple marker. She preceded to decorate her thighs in purple. This she attempted once more before I could distract her with something else. After dinner, Joel was packing his lunch and I was cleaning up the kitchen, when I noticed Lauren was in the sitting room with an odd package in her hand, stuffing fistfuls of something into her mouth. It turned out to be the bag of shredded cheese that she some how had swiped off the table. Once more the vacuum was put to use.
So, as you can see, my hands are full right now and God truly knows best!
Lauren and Lucas are two peas in a pod! Yesterday he was so ornery! He kept swiping papers, etc off the kitchen counter onto the floor and looking at me like, "Whatcha gonna do about it!". He was into my cupboards, throwing toys, etc. It makes me feel like I'm chasing my tail with "keeping house". I feel your pain, sis!
ReplyDelete