It was gloomy here yesterday.
Not only out my window, but in my soul.
School spiraled down the tubes and I frantically grasped at the splintering shreds of it. Frustration and failure mounted in my chest.
How could it be that my two strugglers. My two peas in a pod, separated by 8 years and of different genders, could both have blank brains yesterday.
My daughter couldn’t remember any of the her short vowel sounds, which she previously knew quite well. And her numbers, oh my goodness, how could she not remember these when we have been going over them for so long.
My son needed extra guidance, time with just him and me side by side digging in deep, and a bit of pep talk.
It was a tough day. I wanted to cry and tear my hair out in frustration, simultaneously. I wanted to have learning come easily to my children.
I wanted to NEVER hear again about other people’s children who, “LOVE school and are excelling way beyond their grade level and their peers….and its all because they are homeschooled.”
Yesterday, those words that I had heard AGAIN over the weekend came back and slapped me hard in the heart. Those are not my children. Those are not my days. And that is not my life.
It isn’t easy around here. It is a struggle and often there is little joy in all these big mountains we are climbing.
And I could have sank down low and got covered in the muck, but I remembered these words from my dear friend, Kristin…..
“Once, a few years ago, I was talking to a sweet homeschooled girl. And she mentioned all that she was doing and how advanced it was. She also mentioned that it was why after being at a private Christian school, her parents brought her home...so that she and her siblings wouldn't be "held back" by those struggling kids.
It was very innocent.
But...it made me cringe a little.
"Those" kids that would hold her back, would be my boys. At least some of them anyways. And it made me hurt for them.
Our world defines success by grades...
And so on.
And as the mother of 3 boys.
There worth will be measured by others perception of success. And I worry so much... that the voice they hear, won't be mine.
The one they hear, will be the worlds voice and in turn, they will feel inadequate.
Our oldest has dyslexia and dysgraphia.
Our next one, probably does as well, but milder in my opinion.
We haven't had him tested.
But....my little guy....just like his oldest brother at this stage and age.
I can't think about it a lot, though.
I just "do" today.
My oldest is so embarrassed and ashamed.
He thinks he is stupid.
He is not.
It breaks my heart.
That's our big hurdle right now.
I know part of the reason he came home was, because he was tired of trying to please his teachers and keep up with his classmates. We picked the school we did for it's learning center and it's emphasis on dyslexic teachings. It was a 30 minute drive, cost a fortune, and seemed to be the best option. I didn't think I was qualified to teach him in the least.
And now that he is home. We see that it was a mistake. I should have brought him home long ago. We have so much work to do and so little time. He needs almost as much of my time as my third grader. These last few weeks have been grueling.
Oh the rewards.
The softening of my boy.
The guard coming down.
The relationship building.
His help around here.
All of it.
My husband just wants us to do our best with his "school work", but....what we are really focusing on. Is life skills and relationships. Does that make sense?
And you know?
I feel God deepening me and refining me more through homeschooling, than at any other time. We are all being tested on our faith, endurance and grace with each other. Never have I ever felt so alive, exhausted, and right with Jesus as I do right now.
I have such peace.
This is where I am supposed to be.
This is what i am supposed to do.
They are mine and I am theirs.
I am their mama, and I will fight for them to the end.
They may not fit "the world view" of success.
But, by Gods grace, and my love and determination they will fit HIS!
I am so with you.
All the way.
I get it.
All of it!”
Oh, these words they wrap around my heart and lift me up. These words from a kindred friend remind me I’m not in this alone. And it’s okay. By God’s grace, strength, love and compassion my children will be molded into just who He wants them to be.
Thank you Lord, for friends who understand. Friends who get it. Friends who turn my sorrow around and help me remember to focus on God, because He created my children just the way He wanted them. Because He has GRAND plans for their lives and it isn’t some cookie cutter life. It’s an awesome adventure planned out solely by their loving Heavenly Father. Thank you Lord Jesus, for friends who remind me of what this Momma’s mission truly is, to point my children to the Father of Lights, their Savior, their companion, their CHAMPION!
I’m climbing out of the trenches and scaling the mountain. Because God is making champions in my home today.