They slip right out. Slithering and escaping from between my lips before I can even seem to clamp my mouth shut.
Hurtful words. Words that would wound my very heart of they were said about me.
No one outside of my home would ever realize I could speak this way. Such mean and damaging phrases. Yet, I use them, in anger, on my family.
There are times I shut off the flow. Successful in averting the wrath. Other times, sadly, I just don’t care. I’m angry. I let it pour out unhindered.
I often ask myself after these times of ugliness, how a loving mother could treat her own children in this manner. Why do I let my frustration and anger get the best of me. I teach them to just walk away and cool down when they feel the hot surge of anger rising. Why don’t I take my own advice.
Instead I end up yelling. Damaging and hurting those that are so close to my heart.
It’s at those times I know the devil must be doing a victory dance, because once again I’ve let him have the upper hand. He has controlled my mind and mouth, filling me up with atrociousness.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to apologize to my children. Too many to count. Too often for my momma’s heart to want to admit.
Psalm 19:14 says,
May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing to you, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.
It’s hard to fail. To know I haven’t pleased the Lord with my words and thoughts. It hurts when you know your words have inflicted pain. It is never easy to look within and see an ugliness there that is usually so easy to hide away.
I can choose to bury it and pretend to have it all together. Or I can let it out into the open. Share my failings. Open my heart. Show the imperfection.
I am guilty of using my words to wound.
I am guilty of causing my children to cry because of harsh words.
I am guilty of placing a crushed and wounded look on my children’s faces because I poured forth anger and damaging statements.
I am guilty.
Thankfully, I serve a forgiving Father. One who takes away my guilt. One I can turn to when I have messed up. One who strengthens me. One who can help fill my heart and mind with words of love and comfort and steady discipline, when needed.
Thankfully, I have forgiving children. Who know I am not perfect. Who I can turn to with tears running down my cheeks and repent of my erring ways. Who in turn enfolded me in their sweet childish arms and sooth my heart with words of endearment.
I am forgiven!
My children, my loves, who love me even when I am unlovable. My treasures from God.
May I fill them up with words of encouragement, love, and appropriate correction. May they see in their failed mother, a heart that truly loves them even in the hard, trying moments.
Oh Lord, let it be so.
No matter how prim and proper~~sweet and lovin' we seem to those outside of our immediate world we tend to 'let loose' on our family. Their handy and we're human. Please don't beat yourself up too bad...we have all done it. I'm just thankful God is forgiving and let's us start anew. That old son "we always hut the ones we love" is just too true.
ReplyDeleteHave a most beautiful day sweetie!
Great post, Jenn, one I think many can relate to, including this Mama! I am glad you ended with forgiveness. I noticed that the words, "I am guilty" were boldfaced,it might be good to put "I am forgiven" in boldface too. The enemy would love nothing more than to keep us in guilt and unworthiness when he is the author of the ugliness in the first place!
ReplyDeleteJenn, have I told you how much I LOVE your heart?
Sounds like you and I have had the same sort of "heart rendering" day, today - if not today, here of late.
ReplyDeleteHow are you, Jenn? Praying for you..., too.
You are so right Michelle! I meant for the post to carry the idea of a Savior who forgives all our sins and carries all our guilt. Because like you said the enemy would like nothing more than to twist our minds and fill them full of lies.
ReplyDeleteI went back and added I AM FORGIVEN! in bold!
Bevy, OHHH! I know! Those days of of heart rendering are so difficult. I'm with you...you and me letting God do some refining...Huh?! :)
We are all still human and we make mistakes also. I am a sinner saved by grace.
ReplyDeleteOh, my goodness. Where you in my home today? I swear, I could have written this post. It describes my struggle perfectly. I'm thankful for forgiving children and a a forgiving Savior. He knows that although I haven't kicked the habit of yelling altogether, He know I'm trying. I find such strength in that. Although I'm far away from where I want to be, I'm so much closer than I was. I'm sure you understand. Thank you for your honest heart! Love it and love you!
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone - I have been there too. Thankfully, God and my family forgives me. We serve a WONDERFUL Saviour!!
ReplyDeletePeace...
As you know, this has been a huge struggle for me. Growing up in a home filled with sarcasm and hurtful words flying around, it is no wonder why I struggle. The example was set, but thank God, I have the Holy Spirit to help me change and the forgiveness of my Father when I screw up daily.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your honest heart. It helps to voice this because it then creates accountability.
God has chosen to give me an affliction called vocal nodules. I can not yell at my children anymore. I just can't or I am in major pain and I lose my voice. I am so thankful that He chose to help me by giving me this health issue. For when we can't do it on our own, He helps us in ways that we could never imagine.
I hope this makes sense, I'm kind of tired! LOL!
The verse you quoted has been one of my prayers to God each morning before my feet hit the floor. I think without this prayer there would be no use for me to get out of bed. Thanks for sharing and may God bless you.
ReplyDeleteyour children are blessed to have a mom that recognizes and apologizes!!
ReplyDeleteWE are blessed to have a FATHER that forgives.
love you and miss you
sheryl
Wonderful post once again my friend! The LORD uses you to bless others...HE is glorified when we point to the CROSS. Thank you for touching my heart this day.
ReplyDeleteWith Love,
Camille
In our weakness He makes us strong. Thank you for a raw, honest post!
ReplyDeleteJenn, thank you for your honesty, it stung, it hurt and made me cry, because sadly, no matter how much I try, at times I am very guilty of this. Thank you for letting me know I am NOT the only one that struggles with this and is working on this. You are a brave daughter of God for sharing something so raw!
ReplyDeleteJenn-it's so hard. I have the same problem. I actually complimented the kids today and my 8 year old son asked if it was sarcasm. Boy, that was humbling.
ReplyDeleteI often think "How would I feel if my child told me someone else talked to them/yelled at them that way?" It wouldn't be pretty. That's for sure. So, what makes it okay for me??
Thanks for the reminder that we are imperfect but that God forgives and children do too. If we go to them (God and family) with a humble heart. Full of remorse and repentant...He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins.